I'm Partying Like it's 1999. Literally.

Ok, well maybe not 1999, but at least 2001.

Whenever I come back to Richmond, I always feel as if I've been transplanted into my high school self. Everything seems to be a remnant of my high school days: the relics gathering dust on my shelves, the ticket stubs and snapshots thumb-tacked onto my ancient bulletin board, the clothes lingering in my closet. And MY GOD how much I have changed--for the better, mostly (I hope), but college really put me through the wringer, and left me a very different person. Nevertheless, when I come home, I seem, in a way, to revert to high school Mary Frances. I flip through my old Quairs, I read old notes from friends, I try on clothes that I know won't fit, but that I still haven't given away, I bitch at my brothers for not cleaning the bathroom, and I sleep alone, snuggling up under my electric blanket.

And just to make it feel even more like high school, my Mom still has DIAL UP INTERNET. i.e. I'M IN HELL. Do you know that I haven't checked People ONCE since I've been home (which is a long time)? I had to read the actual, printed version of People (so prehistoric, ick, though it was kind of worth it to see pictures of my favorite Gossip Girl stars getting snuggly on vacation together, plus Jenna Bush's wedding pictures) just to see who won the Bachelor (but duh, I totally knew that Shayne would win. TOO OBVIOUS, Matt Grant). And that I haven't blogged since I left Bryn Mawr? And even those last few were pretty wimpy blogs. And that I haven't read anyone else's blog since May 6? And that I only check my email once or twice a day, on a good day (as opposed to eight hundred and sixty seven times a day, which is my typical routine).

I hate that I'm this addicted to the computer, but OOPS I am, and I don't see that changing any time soon. On the other hand, though, I am super excited about being completely out of contact for the three weeks we're on our honeymoon this summer, so I have to believe that I'm not toootally addicted. I think a large part of my current frustration with the positively painfully slow internet connection is that this is a REALLY stressful time for me to be out of contact with the world. Most of the time, email is my primary means of communication, so to have that change suddenly has been jarring. Plus I just miss having the luxury of constantly being able to look up whatever I so please on the internet. I miss reading my favorite blogs. I miss hearing about Mary, Abigail, and Richa. I miss looking at Dooce's daily picture, and reading what the Fug girls have to say. I miss stalking celebrities on Star Tracks, and reading everyone's facebook status. I miss Gossip Girl NY Magazine articles, and checking the weather for May 24 ten thousand times a day.

I miss feeling connected to the world, and to feel so disconnected from the world at a time when I already feel slightly disconnected from myself (both because I'm living in my high school room and because I'm planning an impending wedding on a wing and a prayer) has been frustrating to say the least.

These last few weeks have been pretty awful. They have been chock full of cleaning, paperwork, errands, cleaning, panic attacks, meetings, cleaning, and phone calls. And I am exahusted (as I sit here and blog at 11:03 pm).

Today, though, when I was on my way to go tanning (and yes, I am tanning for the wedding, but JUST for the wedding. I'm vain. And pasty.), it finally struck me that we're getting MARRIED on Saturday. Like MARRIED MARRIED. I don't know if it was the sappy GooGoo Dolls song I was listening to, or just that I needed to release some tension, but I started to cry. And man did it feel good. I cried last night during my panic attack about the lighting for the wedding (crisis has been averted, though, I think), but that was a really awful, gnawing cry that left my stomach flopped and my brain sore.

This cry was just natural and soulful and soothing all at once. And it felt great. Even just to have that moment of release in this week that is so full of stress and nervousness and tension and CRAP was an enormous, and very necessary, relief.

So even though I still feel like I'm back in high school, and am not really part of the real world, this time next week, Pres, Callie and I will be settling back into our beloved little Bryn Mawr world (with HIGH SPEED INTERNET that has never been so sweet), and in a few days, both my world and Preston's world will convene in Richmond to celebrate with us, and if that's not magic, I don't know what is.