Nightmarish

I've never been able to remember my dreams consistently. Sure, every now and then I'll have dreams that are either so terrible, wonderful, or (usually) bizarre that they stick with me throughout the following day. All I know is that, for the most part, I sleep really well. Seriously. I am a varsity sleeper. Sometimes when I switch medication or am particularly stressed I have trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, but that has always been the exception to the rule. Generally, once my head hits the pillow, I fall into a deep slumber, am delightfully unconscious for the next however-many hours, and dream about who-knows-what. It is awesome.

Or, should I say, it was awesome. I don't know if it's the stress of a new job, the pressure I've put on myself to finish my thesis (YESTERDAY, PLEASE), or just that I have more on my mind with each year that passes, but my sleep lately has been not so good. I'm waking up at least once every night, but even that I could handle. The most terrible new development is undoubtedly my dreams. Not only are they terrifyingly vivid, but also, they are kind of traumatic.  As in, lately I have dreamt consistently about Ness' death.

I know. Awful, right? Trust me, it's awful.  It's always the same thing - I'm walking the dogs and suddenly, her leash either snaps off or slips from my grip.  She runs into traffic and is immediately hit by a car.  The details after that are always fuzzy - I'm not sure if she dies instantaneously, or if I run into the street after her and cradle her in my arms, but she always dies.  And it is always terrible.

Of course eventually I wake up and she is fine, sleeping soundly and taking deep, even breaths at my feet...occasionally chasing a squirrel in her dreams and moving her paws back and forth. I kiss her forehead when I get out of bed and her limbs stretch out taut before she sits up to watch me grab my bathrobe and leave the room. She is fine. It was only a dream.

I don't know why I'm having these sucktastic dreams. Stress? Bad luck? All the cheese I've been eating lately? Frustrated maternal instincts? I don't know. All I do know is that I find myself triple-checking Ness' leash and avoiding the traffic-heavy roads on our walks these days. Because right now, that dog is my baby. And frankly, I'll take the "naked-on-the-first-day-of-school" dreams anytime over these nightmares.