Privacy

Sometimes I get really self conscious about what I write on this blog. As in, sick-to-my-stomach self conscious. I tend to use it as a journal, and often write without a particular purpose in mind, whenever the mood strikes me. Other times, I know that there is something I need to say, that I want to say, and I really have to force myself to type each word. Over the last four or so months, I've become very attached to this blog, and to my little blogging world, but sometimes I just get to thinking about privacy.

I'm an introvert by nature, and generally keep my life pretty private. Except that I blog about wearing sheer blue babydolls and how I would marry my stand mixer on the internet.

Thus I find myself in a bit of a dilemma. I refuse to be dishonest, even to the internet, and have written candidly about my ongoing struggle with food and body image, depression, planning a wedding, and being a graduate student. Alternately, I have written about the joyful parts of these last few months: falling in love with Callie, getting accepted to graduate school, and marrying Preston. Overall, I find that this blog helps me to be honest with myself, and in that way, it has become very therapeutic for me to write to you all every day (sorry about that three week lapse in May, btw). BUT STILL. Do I really want everyone reading about the details of my life? It's a question I really wrestle with.

Ever since I was little I've constantly been worried about getting into trouble. And even now, as I advertise my love of Top Chef and DKNY Petites jeans on the internet, I worry that I'm going to, somehow, get in trouble, or worse, get Preston into trouble. How? I don't know. But I still worry that it could happen. I don't want to make this blog private, as I know how much I love being an anonymous lurker to others' websites, and I don't feel that I should have to do so. I believe that there's something really cathartic and healing in reading about the everyday lives of ordinary people. That we get up every day, take the dog for a walk, do the dishes, try to do our best and treat others with grace, have a beer and go to bed. And THAT'S IT.

I'm not saying that this blog is getting millions upon millions of hits (at all). However, prompted by my friend Abigail, I got a Stat Counter, and Preston and I have been watching it with growing interest. I now know that I have a core group of readers (I previously assumed I had a group of about 5 people who read this blog, myself included), and that some of you come back every day to read about the thrilling events of our lives. And that is really wonderful and rewarding and terrifying at the same time. Mainly because I look at who's reading and where you're coming from and I think OH NO what if they're going to take away my fellowship? Or fire Preston? Or stalk Callie? Just because of my mindless ramblings on the internet. But then I think PSHAW no one cares about this! But then I think, but what if they do? And this vicious cycle continues until my brain is broken and I can no longer think without some Aleve and a Diet Root Beer.

So there you have it. Because it's on my mind and I needed to say it (and yes, I did have to force myself to write this post).