A Day In The Life of Ness

5:35 AM: On her morning walk, decides that instead of pooping she will sniff every blade of grass between here and Alaska.

5:42 AM: Decides that instead of pooping she will put everything into her mouth including, but not limited, to: another dog's poop, Mary Frances' shoes, Callie's ear, her own leash, rocks, leaves, trash, very large sticks, grass, leaves, etc.

5:46 AM: Tired of putting things in her mouth, she decides to lick Callie's ass.

5:47 AM: This is not how Callie rolls, so Callie pees on her head. Ness is unfazed.

5:55 AM: Arrives back at the apartment. Time to eat Callie's head again. Loud fighting ensues until Mary Frances pulls them off of each other and puts Ness back in the crate which might as well be JAIL it is SO AWFUL.

6:00 AM: Mary Frances turns the lights back out when she leaves to go running. Ness immediately starts crying when the lights go out because it is SO AWFUL. Her life is SO TRAGIC. Mary Frances and Preston are SO MEAN that she thinks she will CRY US A RIVER.

6:04 AM: Stops crying a river because OH WAIT she's kind of exhausted from eating all those sticks/rocks/Callie's face, etc.

8:35 AM: On her second walk of the day, upon being out of the door for .32 seconds, she finally poops all of the poop that she would not poop on her early morning walk.

8:36 AM: Done pooping, it's time to eat her own leash. Per usual.

8:58 AM: Comes back inside and while Mary Frances refills her water bowl, she vomits up her breakfast in the dining room.

8:59 AM: Starts to eat her vomit in the dining room.

9:00 AM: While Mary Frances cleans up her vomit in the dining room, she decides that, even though she's already pooped and vomited, she's been reading about Hollywood starlets who do those fancy detox diets, and that sounds like it could be fun. So in order to fully detox, she poops again. On the oriental rug. Mary Frances considers the very real possibility that her puppy is or has been using laxatives.

9:30-11:30 AM: Ness wails mournfully while because Preston and Mary Frances are SO MEAN because they have JOBS and have to leave her in JAIL ALL DAY FOR SO LONG HAS ANYONE'S LIFE EVER BEEN MORE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE HAVE I MENTIONED TERRIBLE?

11:30 AM: Decides that there is a God because Preston has come back to walk her.

12:30 PM: Preston leaves and puts on soothing choral music. Eventually Ness decides to stop wailing and let Charlotte Church lull her to sleep.

7:00 PM: After her sixth walk of the day, Ness gears up for a new mission. "Project: Eat Anything That Preston and Mary Frances Have Idiotically Left On The Coffee Table" begins! So far, this mission has met with enormous success. To date, she has eaten a computer power cord, a kind of AWESOME (and now tragically destroyed) headband from Target, pizza crusts, soda cans, Reeses Pieces, and countless tissues.

7:12 PM: When Project: Eat Anything That Preston and Mary Frances Have Idiotically Left On The Coffee Table is thwarted by Preston and/or Mary Frances, Ness decides to eat Callie. This continues for half an hour.

7:50 PM: Eating Callie is exhausting and requires lots of water, which requires lots of peeing on the oriental rug. Because peeing on the floor would just be so plebeian.

8:00 PM: Mary Frances banishes everyone to the bedroom so that she can do her homework [read: drink wine and watch Gossip Girl] in peace.

10:00 PM: Back from yet another walk, Ness is ready to PLAY! And LOVE! And LICK! And BARK! Alas, Mary Frances is ready to SLEEP! In QUIET! So, like any good parent, Mary Frances bribes Ness with food to get her to shut up. Ness plays with a Kong [Which is, by the way, The Most Awesome invention EVER. Possibly even more awesome than Netflix] full of peanut butter for the next hour. Bliss.

12:30 AM: Comes back from her last walk of the day and proceeds to eat Callie's face. SHOCKING.

12:32 AM: Pees on the oriental rug even though she peed outside four minutes ago. Continues her attempt to rip off Callie's ear/face/nose so loudly that New Jersey can hear her.

1:00 AM: Stops trying to eat Callie's face and passes out on her back, allowing Preston to procrastinate in peace by reading every single article on ESPN.com.

2:00 AM: Goes reluctantly into THE MOST TERRIBLE CRATE.

3:00 AM: Moves around loudly in her crate while trying to discern the perfect place to lay her wearied head. It's been a long day.