Long Ago and Far Away

I am here! I still exist! I haven't forgotten about all you lovelies out there (yes, I mean YOU, beautiful, pretty, perfect reader)...and I hope you haven't forgotten about me.

I don't really know why I haven't blogged lately. OK that was a blatant lie. I do know why I haven't blogged lately. It wasn't that I didn't think about blogging or didn't want to be blogging--no indeed. Quite the opposite. You see, I have grown very attached to you all and to my little baby blog and have begun to think in terms of blogging. Something will happen at home or at school or in the world and I'll think, "OOH! Must blog about that later." And that continued to happen--Ness would be a total shit, Preston would do something funny, I would do something ditzy, and I'd think, "This is definitely blog material." And yet, when I sat down at my computer, I just couldn't bring myself to write. And as much as I hate to admit it, it wasn't writers block. It was I just don't want to blog block.

I've written before about the many, many, oh so many changes that have happened this fall. And for a while, I did a pretty A+ job at convincing myself that I was ok, I would be ok, I just had to get through this week and then I'd be ok. The stress of the year continued to build, but I just kept on trucking, reminding myself that I had asked for all of these things--I wanted to train for half marathons, get puppy, be a newlywed, and be in graduate school. I asked for every single one of those changes and I just needed to put on my big girl panties and fucking get over myself and my problems because at the end of the day HELLO I'm a WASP and my life is basically awesome. I have a good job, a husband I love, kickass friends, a great apartment in WealthyLand, Pennsylvania, two dogs, a pretty healthy body, and a probably unhealthy supply of ballet flats from Target. Yes indeed, life is SWEET.

Except that even as I kept reminding myself to count my blessings and keep my chin up, the anxiety kept chipping away at my mind, my body, and my soul until I was left a fragile shell of my previous self. Sadness and self-loathing gradually crept up on me until they imbued every day. I had good hours, every now and then, but spent most of my days wishing them away. I started crying everywhere--and not just little tears--great, heaving sobs. Everywhere. Quietly in bed at night when I didn't want Preston to hear me from the next room. Loudly in the shower when I knew I was alone in the apartment. In the library. In the farmer's market. In the bathroom stalls. In the car.

And I just could not bring myself to write to you all. For the last eight months, I've made it a point to write honestly and openly on this blog, and I simply felt that anything honest I could have written over the last two weeks would have sounded, at best, whiny, and at worst, as if I were on the brink of suicide. And I really would rather be neither of those (no one likes a whiner, and hello I like being alive).

So there you have it. I'm gradually finding my way back to myself, making some significant changes (some of which I will discuss here, others which I'll keep to myself), and am ready(ish) to conquer to rest of the semester.

I missed you. It's good to be back.