Grad School and I

It's 6:36 pm as I begin this post. I'm in our dining room, sitting in an old wing chair of my late grandfather's. I like to think that it still smells faintly of him, but I know I'm probably just imagining it. The sky behind me is turning pink in the dusky sunlight, illuminating the fall leaves on the trees behind our building. Tomorrow begins the first day of my week of fall break. And as I sit here, on this Indian Summer Sunday night in October, I can feel myself starting to breathe again.

Graduate school has been hard. And I knew that it would be hard and people told me it would be hard and I was just like pshaw I can totally handle it! I've got it! No worries! And then I actually STARTED graduate school and realized that hmm, maybe, actually, it is incredibly hard. Combine that with the fact that I decided OH I see I have a lot on my plate, what better time just to add MORE? So I got a puppy and decided to train for a couple of half marathons and started planning and cooking dinner four times a week with Preston. And then, thanks to Liz, I discovered hulu.com, which has led me to a whole new level of procrastination (why, yes, I think I shall watch 4 back-to-back episodes of Arrested Development instead of doing my homework! Thank you, TV on the Internet!)

But I digress. Here's the rub: I don't always love being a graduate student. In fact, sometimes I hate it. On the one hand, I love that being a student is my job. I think that is pretty spectacular. I love libraries and books and dictionaries and words and language and discussion. I love that Latin and Greek challenge me to read and see not only language, but also everything around me more closely. I love that Bryn Mawr's program emphasizes interdisciplinary learning--that I'm encouraged to take Archaeology courses and Ancient Art courses in addition to the language. I love my professors and find each of them utterly awe-inspiring. I am constantly astounded by the caliber of discussion in my classes, and feel privileged to be in the company of such sharp, interesting students.

On the other hand, I don't love it. I find it isolating to sit in a library by myself all day with only my dictionaries for company. I find it humbling, but also really depressing to feel like I'm near the bottom of my class (a place where I've really never been). And finally, after substitute teaching for a few Latin teachers this fall, and realizing that I LOVE being in the classroom, I find it frustrating to feel like I've signed up for 6 years of doing something--translating, writing, and researching--when I already feel like I might be better at teaching.

So there you have it. The Truth about where we stand, Grad School and I. I don't intend to write anything else about graduate school on this blog, but I felt that I needed to get this post out, mainly to be honest with myself. And you. And THE WORLD. Good luck this week, y'all.